Before The Flames

“She was floating, arms outspread, water lapping her body, breathing in a summery fragrance of salt and coconut.”- Liane Moriarty

I believe, in everything that is inside the pockets of goodness which fill the space and time between the moments of my life.

Where are the words when I want to write about what a heck of a ride this is? The lyrics to the song my heart is beating to can’t form fast enough for me to write about the dance it gets out of me. Last year was one for the books. Like a Ngaka’s litaola come tumbling out of a pouch, peculiar strings of events and other such tokens and things sprung out in the open from heaven knows where to reveal unknown sides of me. And all the while every thing I tried to hold on to had the rigor of jelly in a bowl full of custard, like life was saying ‘sorry dear, no crutch here!’  And then followed all the whirling around with the seconds, whirling requires no braces, to spin you have to let go of the rod you are leaning on. Would you know it, the damn thing is wonderful!

It is Sugar who sparked these notions. She talks of “the capacity to stand before the scorching flames”, the decisions and knowledge which have to be employed and coming to a point of understanding what to take in and what to throw out. I guess I am grabbing a hunk of bread.

I was thinking about cancer. Or maybe that it can leave you feeling like everything which means the most to you can be ripped from your grasp at any time. For this reason and others some experiences can leave you feeling like you are mid-breath and unable to fully inhale or exhale. In the midst of it extraordinary things happen which allow you to forget. You step outside of yourself and all your perceived conditioning and walk into amazing experiences. Like everything else these wonderful events end, most times too swiftly but they do not leave you undone. In the end you are not the same. You begin to see your mid-breath state for exactly what it is: irrelevant; although it is sometimes lasting, sometimes biting, a reaction to a lasting biting thing and duly so but irrelevant still.

I am grateful, for having been born into a family at all, for friends and the brief moments with strangers which have changed my life. I am grateful for it all: for life, spirit, heart and renewal. For faith, joy, burns, tears and lessons. For dreams, desire, sight and sense. I am grateful for the amazing thing which lives in my craze for my mother, my curiosity for my father and my sameness with my brother. Something extraordinary lives there, much like the tiny shiny speckles of white across the vast dark summer night’s sky. The gentle reminder of being part of a much larger order of things; a framework whose awesomeness you might miss if you get wound in yourself too much.

To a Happy New Year!!!


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