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Before The Flames

“She was floating, arms outspread, water lapping her body, breathing in a summery fragrance of salt and coconut.”- Liane Moriarty

I believe, in everything that is inside the pockets of goodness which fill the space and time between the moments of my life.

Where are the words when I want to write about what a heck of a ride this is? The lyrics to the song my heart is beating to can’t form fast enough for me to write about the dance it gets out of me. Last year was one for the books. Like a Ngaka’s litaola come tumbling out of a pouch, peculiar strings of events and other such tokens and things sprung out in the open from heaven knows where to reveal unknown sides of me. And all the while every thing I tried to hold on to had the rigor of jelly in a bowl full of custard, like life was saying ‘sorry dear, no crutch here!’  And then followed all the whirling around with the seconds, whirling requires no braces, to spin you have to let go of the rod you are leaning on. Would you know it, the damn thing is wonderful!

It is Sugar who sparked these notions. She talks of “the capacity to stand before the scorching flames”, the decisions and knowledge which have to be employed and coming to a point of understanding what to take in and what to throw out. I guess I am grabbing a hunk of bread.

I was thinking about cancer. Or maybe that it can leave you feeling like everything which means the most to you can be ripped from your grasp at any time. For this reason and others some experiences can leave you feeling like you are mid-breath and unable to fully inhale or exhale. In the midst of it extraordinary things happen which allow you to forget. You step outside of yourself and all your perceived conditioning and walk into amazing experiences. Like everything else these wonderful events end, most times too swiftly but they do not leave you undone. In the end you are not the same. You begin to see your mid-breath state for exactly what it is: irrelevant; although it is sometimes lasting, sometimes biting, a reaction to a lasting biting thing and duly so but irrelevant still.

I am grateful, for having been born into a family at all, for friends and the brief moments with strangers which have changed my life. I am grateful for it all: for life, spirit, heart and renewal. For faith, joy, burns, tears and lessons. For dreams, desire, sight and sense. I am grateful for the amazing thing which lives in my craze for my mother, my curiosity for my father and my sameness with my brother. Something extraordinary lives there, much like the tiny shiny speckles of white across the vast dark summer night’s sky. The gentle reminder of being part of a much larger order of things; a framework whose awesomeness you might miss if you get wound in yourself too much.

To a Happy New Year!!!

musings · poetry · Uncategorized · young adult

GREEN POOP

And I was looking for better words – words far superior to my own. Words that could make me travel worlds, force a spring out of the bed from me, breathe fervor into my steps and parallel me to life.

GREEN POOP

“Well, I think I might be dying and I came here for help. My poop is green Sir! And not like I ate too much spinach either, like I swallowed a lime highlighter, like if I switch off the bathroom light the thing is going to glow. And it hurts so badly when I breathe and …” I explained to my doctor who was then in fits of hysterical laughter. The night coming before this episode in a small physician’s room felt like it was my last. I made calls to my mother, boyfriend and brother who in spite of reactions similar to the doctor’s promised to follow up on my request to be checked on in the morning or otherwise confirm my death. I left my dorm door unlocked you know, for easy access to my corpse and all, and then fell asleep mid final prayers. (Okay, health anxiety mixed in with panic attacks is not that uncommon. Okay? Good)

When basking in the hilarious verdict of no death by green poop later on, the whole saga struck me in some kind of way.

THOUGHTS AFTER ‘GREEN POOP’

My perceived soon-to-be death reminded me of my life to-do list which had a lot of unchecked items. Incidentally, I feel that this would make an accurate tagline to my emergence in adulthood.

And this brings me to this next realization:

There is an eventual pain which escorts the heart when a life feels almost half-lived, when curiosities are ignored and when stepping up to the plate is short-changed.

Oh! And I remember thinking “Sweet Creator, I am not yet ready to leave Earth I like it here. It is the pain stabbing at my chest leading me to my plea, the pain of not doing what I know I should. I pay allegiance to the energies which fuel my creativity and passions. My mind operates in a wacky multiplicity that I should appreciate and exercise more. My heart left the sleeves and clung to the elbows. Though sometimes I allow for my vibes to be harshed, my godliness is my loveliness. Allow the means so that the stories entangled in my wrists no longer lock the bones; so that these feet walk the path I have been made far. Damn it, I cannot die a girl afraid of roller-coasters. I want to experience things worthy of fear like exercising true freedom, not caring what people think, matchless faith, dreaming big and all the things which bar human beings from complete contentment. I am willing myself to greatness in every moment; how about some of that before my exit please? ”

Lastly,

Music must be felt,

Life must be heard,

Time must be lived,

Joyful noise may peal from objects hit hard,

Hard-hit objects weaken,

break or bend,

If I must be,

Is it an instrument or the note it sounds?

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Another 05:30 A.M. Granted

another chance to dance
and for longer moments a chance to forget that I am plagued by troubles
today I’ll be kissed by the sun in the celebration of life, for I sustain it and it maintains me.
today I pray that life will be kind and agreeable to my tottering soul
I hope to appreciate every hour as it comes, every day and every measure of time because it represents my making,
it represents birth and rebirth.
on this birthday, I am grateful.

Naleli

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Another 05:30 A.M. Granted

Another 05:30 A.M. granted;

The energies which lift the covers off me will be the forces which drive me.

Another chance to be moved,

Today is a day for learning.

Let my actions align with my passions;

Let my passions be my obsessions;

And let these passions allow for the success of my mission;

Today,

I dare